Living In The 3rd Culture: Conflict Happens!

It is safe to say that where two or there are gathered, one or two will disagree and bring others into their conflict. Though conflict is reality, it does not need to be destructive and can actually be a source of growth for both the individuals involved and the church or ministry. Unfortunately, most of us have not been trained to manage conflict, and naturally tend to avoid it or get involved in an unhealthy manor. Conflict gets even more intense when legal action is threatened. Therefore if you know that conflict IS going to happen, it is essential that you:

I. Pray

A. Pray for peace.

B. Pray for eyes to see conflict before it escalates.

C. Pray for wisdom/Discernment on how to handle each instance of conflict.

D. Pray for the Gospel to penetrate deeply into your heart.

II. Be an Attentive.

A. Pay attention to the people in your church so that you can spot the problem early.

B. Be Proactive - Pursue Peace.

C. Practice Matthew 18.

III. Understand Emotional Triangulation

A. Triangulation is most commonly used to express a situation where one individual will not communicate directly with another, but will communicate with a third person not directly involved in the conflict, leading that person to become part of the triangle. It can also be used as a label for a form of “splitting” where one person plays the third person against one that he or she is upset about. Thus playing the two people against each other.

B. Emotional triangles are the “molecules” of an emotional system. When the atmosphere is calm and stable you often do not see them.

C. A two-person relationship is notoriously unstable. All it takes is one person to feel uncomfortable and things get shaky.

D. To manage the increased anxiety, or of the two can bring a third person into a Triangle. To manage the increased anxiety, one of the two can bring in a third person into a triangle.

E. If you forget triangles exist it can be deadly.

IV. Know Thy Self!

A. Emotional Intelligence: “The ability to manage one’s emotions proactively and respond to the emotions of others appropriately.”

[1] Free to Self and Others	2 Blind to Self, Seen by Others
3 Free to Self, Hidden from Others	4 Unknown to Self and Others

1 Free to Self and Others	2 Blind to Self, Seen by Others
3 Free to Self, Hidden from Others	4 Unknown to Self and Others

1 Free to Self and Others	2 Blind to Self, Seen by Others
3 Free to Self, Hidden from Others	4 Unknown to Self and Others

B. Is the Gospel real to you?

1. “All problems, personal or social come from a failure to use the gospel in a radical way, to get “in line with the truth of the gospel” (Gal.2:14). All pathologies in the church and all its ineffectiveness comes from a failure to use the gospel in a radical way. We believe that if the gospel is expounded and applied in its fullness in any church, that church will look very unique. People will find both moral conviction yet compassion and flexibility” (Tim Keller).

2. Do you see your own sin and understand how it impacts those around you?

3. Do you need to be right or to win?

4. Is your tendency “Fight” or “Flight”? Either extreme is self protecting and dangerous.

a. “Fight” or “attack” can be confrontational or passive.

b. “Flight” or “escape” can be denial or an empty apology.

5. The correct view of who we are in Christ enables us to be shepherds of peace.

C. Be aware of Your Thinking Process.

1. All or nothing: you see things in black and white categories.

2. Overgeneralization: you see a single negative event as a never ending pattern of defeat.

3. Mental filter: you pick a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively.

4. Disqualifying the positive: you reject or dismiss the positive experience.

5. Jumping to conclusions: you make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that support it.

6. Mind reading: you make assumptions about someone else’s thoughts without bothering to find out what the other is thinking.

7. Fortune telling: you anticipate that things will actually turn out bad.

8. Magnification or Minimization: you exaggerate the importance of negative things or dismiss the important.

9. Emotional reasoning: you assume that your emotions necessarily reflect how things really are (I feel it therefore it is true).

10. Labeling and Mislabeling: instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself. If someone else rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him.

11. Personalization: you take things personally. You see yourself as the cause of things that in fact you are not primarily responsible for. You interpret things personally that may have nothing to do with you.. [i]

V. Bring the Party’s Together

A. Always begin with Prayer.

B. Remain Calm and Hopeful.

C. Let others do the talking.

D. Honestly consider the deferring perspectives.

E. Manage the conversation. Don’t let it get abusive.

F. Apply the Gospel.

VI. Suggested Resources

A. Books to Read:

1 Antagonists in the Church - Kenneth C. Haugk, Ph.D.

2. Well-Intentioned Dragons: Ministering to Problem People in the Church – Marshall Shelley

3 When Sheep Attack – Dennis R. Maynard

B. Organizations to Contact:

1. PeaceMaker Ministries (www.peacemaker.net).

2. Pastor Serve (www.pasterserve.net).

[1] - Joharri’s Window (originated by Joe Luft and Harry Ingram).

[i] Pete Scazzero Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

Third Culture Defined

The term “Third Culture” has been used in various ways. One “Third Culture” group “consists of those scientists and other thinkers in the empirical world who, through their work and expository writing, are taking the place of the traditional intellectuals in rendering visible the deeper meanings of our lives, redefining who and what we are.”Another common use of “Third Culture” in fact describes my personal experience. The term was first coined by sociologist Ruth Hill Useem, professor emeritus of sociology and education at Michigan State University. She used the term to describe children growing up outside their citizenship countries because of a parent’s work abroad. A “TCK or Third Culture Kid has since been defined as, “someone who as a child has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture" Though I am a TCK, it is my desire to use the term in referring to the people who make up the true Christian Church (Theologically defined as the “Invisible Church”). In other words, the Church is a Third Culture. Scripture teaches us that Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law and the punishment of Hell, and through faith in Him we become citizens of His Kingdom, receiving not only the full benefits of citizenship in His Kingdom, but indeed the right to become sons and daughters of God. The moment, we step into this Kingdome we experience a new and different culture. We are no longer in the kingdom of darkness, but now live in the kingdom of light and that changes everything! At the same time we never went anywhere physically as we continue to work, live, and play with the same people as before, we see the world differently, we no longer truly fit – we are “in the world, but not of it” -- we have a new culture. For most of us this life changing experience occurs within our birth culture and our Christian experience is saturated by those influences. For those who grew up in non-Hispanic White North America, Christianity is uniquely different than those who grew up in an African American context. Our birth culture effects how we live out our faith in the Kingdom of Christ. Yet the Kingdom of Christ requires one more cultural shift and that is away from birth culture and into a culture made up of people of every ethnic and cultural group that has ever existed on the face of the earth. This Kingdom is no more North American than it is Tanzanian or Tibetan. It is a unique or shall we say a “Third Culture” that integrates elements of all cultures into one new and better one, where there is no Jew or Greek, slave nor free, male nor female“You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise.” (Gal 3:26-298). In fact Revelation 7:9-10 gives us a description what this will look like one day:“After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb." A Third Culture Perspective is one that understands and appreciates that God gathers people from every ethnic and cultural group and brings them into the new culture of His Son Jesus Christ. It is a perspective where birth cultures are appreciated and respected as coming from God, but none are superior. It seeks to have a deeper understanding of the Gospel, pays attention to culture, our own as well as others, and then attempts to bring them together. It is a perspective that “seeks first His Kingdom and His Righteousness” and lovingly and passionately enjoys and glorifies God in all we do. It is a perspective that welcomes immigrants….

Conflict Happens!

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