Dealing With The Porn Trap

The problem with pornography is pandemic and growing.  As the internet because more accessible the problem continues to grow.  Sadly, there is probably not a segment of society that it has not touched.  Both men and women, young and old, must comprehend the deadly traps of pornography that have been set around us.  Pornography is indeed a trap whose addictive powers are difficult to overcome.

As I young boy, I read the Jungle Doctor Series.  These fascinating books were written by medical missionary Dr. Paul White.   In one book entitled “Jungle Doctor’s Fables” he wrote of the entangling nature of sin.  In this account he wrote of a common method of trapping a monkey.  Understand that monkeys can be a nuisance and are known for stealing food whenever possible.  The trap was a five gallon tin container used to buy cooking oil.  Once the oil was dispensed the Africans would use these containers for many differing purposes.  All it took to turn it into a monkey trap was to fill it with rocks and then put some un-shelled peanuts in on top of the rocks.  Due to the size of the hole, the monkey could get his hand in, but once he grabbed a handful of peanuts could not remove it.  Unfortunately for the monkey, he would refuse to let go of his new possession and was therefore trapped and vulnerable to the African who could then come and take its life.

• Pornography is like the monkey trap, and though the end may not be as deadly, it causes great damage to the one trapped as well as those around them.  Let’s look at some parallels between pornography and monkey traps.
• Food is necessary and good for the monkey.  They need it to live.  The problem came the  monkey tried to take what was not his own.  In the same way, God created us as sexual beings.  Sex is good, and beautiful when done in the context that God graciously gave us.  Pornography at its core, is taking what is not your own.  The images in pornography are real people.  Some willingly participate, others are forced.
• Peanuts are not a natural food for monkey in Africa.  Not only was the monkey stealing what was not his own, he was substituting the peanut for other food that naturally grows in his habitat.  In choosing to steal the peanuts he was substituting them for what was naturally his diet.  In the same way, God gave us our spouses to enjoy both emotionally and physically.   Pornography is not the diet that God prescribed for us, it is artificial junk food that leaves us craving for more.
• Stealing the peanuts seemed easier and quicker to the monkey.  Think about it for minute, why climb to the end of a branch on very tall tree, when there is something sitting right there on the ground?  Foraging for food is a whole lot harder and takes way more time, then stealing some peanuts from a can!  In the same way, pornography and masturbation seems way easier and quicker than pursuing intimacy with your spouse!   
• Stealing was deadly for the monkey!  In the end, the monkey in the fable had a tragic death by wooden club as he clung to the peanuts!  For the monkey lovers among you that may seem graphic, however it is a vivid picture of what happens when pornography takes hold of our lives.  No, you will probably not die physically from pornography, but it does slowly kill you emotionally and spiritually.  In fact, there will be times you wish someone would club over the head to be free from its entanglement.  Unlike, the monkey who was the only one harmed in the monkey trap, pornography kills marriages and ministry effectiveness.  You may live, but it kills those around you . . . even when you think you have them all fooled!

How then do we avoid the monkey. . .  I mean pornography trap?   First, I would encourage you to review last week’s topic on Sexual Purity.  In addition know this:

• Pornography is sin.  I have heard every type of justification imaginable, but bottom line, it is sin both against God and your neighbor.  Why do I emphasize this?  Not to be moralistic or legalistic, but to be realistic.  We simply need to see it for what it is!
• Anyone can be tempted to look at pornography.  Never believe that you are above it!  Be on your guard; diligently watch your thoughts and your eye’s gaze.  I once had a man tell me that it scares him to think what he would be capable of doing if he was in a place where no one, including God, knew what he was doing.  Our tendency to move toward our depravity to should scare all of us! Pray that God will not lead you into that temptation, and when you are tempted you will see and use the escape that He promises.
• Don’t live in isolation.  God created us for community and in a healthy community non sexual relational needs are met in a way that God intended.  Isolation can lead us to believe that no one cares, or that no one will find out.  Often pornography is simply a way to find relationship or intimacy.  When have been hurt by someone, or you believe no one cares, it is an idol that takes you away and distracts from the isolation and provides a counterfeit. 
• It’s a rush!  God created us as sexual beings and therefore seeing it can be exhilarating.  But that doesn’t make it right!  Sadly, there is also a rush because it is forbidden. 
• It is addictive! Unlike alcohol, anyone is susceptible to pornography addiction.  And just like other addictions you will not be able to free yourself without the help of others.  Another promise to yourself and God, will not fix it.

As I close, it is important to remember the difference between fear and diligence.  My intent in sharing this is not to scare you, our cause you to live in fear, but to be diligent in your fight against pornography.  As children of God, we are told that we have no reason to fear, as He will protect and fight for us.  I am a convinced that God gives us grace to run this race and not get entangled in the trap of pornography.  And if we do, He also promises the grace to get up shake off what entangles us and once again join the race.   The battle is real, but He has not left us alone as we have His Holy Spirit living in us, His Word, and the blessing of living in community with others who are also running this race.  Live in the truth of who you are, and what He has given you!

A helpful Gospel centered ministry that has been helpful to many is Harvest USA.  It was started by a friend of mine and I encourage you to visit their website: http://www.harvestusa.org/

Sexual Purity

I served for many years on the Credentials Committee of a presbytery in the Presbyterian Church in America.  That committee was responsible for examining all men who sought to be licensed or ordained as Teaching Elders (Pastors) or who were transferring their ordination.  Prior to meeting with the committee, those seeking ordination had to submit an exegetical paper showing their knowledge of Greek and Hebrew, a theological paper, and take an extensive written exam that covered Bible Content, Theology, Sacraments, Church History, History of the PCA and the Book of Church Order.  Once the papers and the exam had been reviewed by the members of the committee they meet with us for the oral section of the process.  The exams were thorough and required exhaustive preparation.  Once approved by the committee the candidate would stand before presbytery for additional questioning and preach a sermon.

As these men came before our committee they often forgot about the first and most important area of examination which is “acquaintance with experiential religion, especially his character and family management" (BCO 21).  I would generally start with a question that went something like this, “What sin scares you the most?” Generally the reply would be directed toward others or the culture in general.  Then I would clarify and direct it to their personal lives with something like, “Personally, if there was sin that could take you out of the ministry, what would it be?”  Obviously, this is a tough question to answer honestly before a committee of men who are holding your ministerial future, but I was surprised by how many could not identify one, or if they did, it was most commonly pride. 

Now don’t misunderstand me here.  Pride is a deadly cancer for a minister of the Gospel, but if that disqualified one from the ministry, there would be very few pastors!  In over twenty seven years in ministry I have never seen a minister removed from his pulpit for pride!  I know of one who had to step down for preaching verbatim Tim Keller sermons and claiming them as his own, but I cannot count the number of men I have seen go down due to some form of sexual sin.  And that reality should be sobering and cause each one of us to be diligent in our war against it!

There is no shortage of material available on sexual purity.  Sadly, most is simplistic, formulaic and moralistic, which means it doesn't work!  Here are some thoughts on what has been helpful to me personally.    

       I.        Worship:  I cannot emphasize enough how important personal worship is to living in sexual purity.  Daily time with the Father in His Word and prayer simply cannot be neglected.  Sex is probably the biggest idol in our culture today and there are very few places where we can go to escape the constant barrage of images and promises.  This daily worship is not a legalist ritual, but a time when we are reminded and renewed in the grace that has been poured out on us through Jesus Christ.  Daily empowering of the Gospel reminds us of the unconditional love of the Father, and the promise of grace to resist temptation.  Why don’t you try including these areas in your daily worship?

A.    Confess your sin.   I would recommend reading Psalm 51 a lot, even daily, as it is a confession with a promise of pardoning grace.  It reminds Who our sin is really against and what we really deserve.  It asks for a “pure heart” and “steadfast spirit” both necessary for sexual purity.

B.    Offer up a sacrifice of Praise.   Take time to reflect on what God has done for you and the many blessings in your life.  This starts with the great news of the Gospel and if you are married that includes your wife and children.  Be grateful for the little things!  A grateful heart is a powerful tool against the sexual temptation as most sexual sin is rooted in the belief that we deserve more, or something better than we have.

C.    Include the Lord’s Prayer.  Remember this is a model of prayer that has been given to us by Jesus Christ.  In dealing with sexual purity it includes asking for Grace against temptation – “lead us not into temptation,” and protection from the schemes of the evil one – “deliver us from evil.”  Our fight for sexual purity is not simply a “flesh and blood” but a spiritual one!

     II.          Knowledge:  Naivete and arrogance are extremely dangerous!  It is crucial that are well aware of your strengths and weakness.  Sexual sin is too deadly to act like you don’t struggle or ignore what is going on in your mind!  Therefore as we strive for sexual purity we must know ourselves, others and the consequences of what may happen if we fall. 

A.    Yourself – We were created as sexual beings and therefore no one is above sexual temptation.  Be keenly aware of your feelings and attractions that you may have. 

1.     What happens when you are bored, or don’t feel appreciated?  Where do you go to escape?  This not only can lead to pornography, but the trap of falling for someone who affirms and complements you.

2.     When you see or meet with someone is there any sense of excitement, anticipation or sexual stimulation?  Be honest with yourself!  What impact did that person have on you? Are you looking forward to seeing them again?  Why?

3.     What are fantasying about?  We don’t need to be looking at an image to lust.  Do you think what it would be like to be married to someone else?  Don’t go there!  

4.     Several weeks ago, I gave you a Personal Life Diagnostics Filter which included a “Sexual Filter,” I think it is helpful to include them here.

          - How (and with whom) do you process your sexual issues as a pastor?  

          - How do you deal with the temptation of internet pornography?

          - How do your issues with lust hinder your ministry, leadership at home and at church?

B.    Others – God has called you to be leaders in a world of sexual brokenness and confusion.  As spiritual leader who cares about people you will face sexual advances like never before.  It doesn’t matter what you look like, but as a man who seek to love God and his family well, people will be drawn to you and will often act out sexually.  Many of these advances are overt or buried under “churchianity” nevertheless they are still there.  At the risk of being simplistic, here are some people you need to be aware of.  

1.     The Abused – The number of people who have been sexually abused is astronomical and growing.  Often those who have been abused don’t know how to respond to someone other than sexually.  Therefore they will respond to you that way.

2.     The Confused – Often in counseling situations people will be drawn to you simply because you care and are listening to them.  When they feel like they have been heard, and someone cares about their struggles, they will be fall in love with you and act out sexually.

3.     The Lonely – Along the same line there are many who are simply lonely and when given attention come alive emotionally.  Maybe for the first time in their lives!  This again can lead to unhealthy affections.

4.     The Manipulator – Beware of those who use their sexuality as tool!  They can use it simply to get what they want in the church or simply be in the inner circle.  Know how to identify a Borderline Personality as they are often “Pastor Busters” who seduce a pastor and then quickly tell everyone what they have done.  Don’t fall for flattery!

C.    The consequences – Never forget that there are consequences to a fall!  Adulty is not harmless, and odds are, you will be found out!  Here are some consequences to keep in mind:

1.     Your ministry role will be lost if not diminished.

2.     All you preached and taught will be viewed as worthless.

3.     It destroys marriages and families.  Even if you don’t get caught, an affair removes you spiritually from you home.

4.     It is a betrayal to your spouse that is destructive.  It is humiliating and a chaotic blow that they may never heal from! It threatens both their physical and mental health.

5.     It risks the happiness and security of your children.

6.     You will lose friends.

7.     You damage relationship with extended family members.

8.     It can be financially devastating!

   III.          Lifestyle: Not only should we be committed worshippers who know the dangers of sexual impurity, but we should put patterns in our lives that guard against falling into sin.  Beyond the need to have regular times of personal worship and at the risk of sounding legalistic, and sexist, here are some suggestions:

A.    Someone once identified pornography this way, “its pornography if you know you shouldn't be looking at it.”  Don’t justify what you look at or watch whether it be entertainment or art.

B.    Don’t surf the internet when you are tired, lonely, bored or discouraged.  You are almost guaranteed to go where you shouldn't.

C.    If you are married pursue your spouse!  Don’t compare them to others or demand that they serve you!  See them as God’s gift to you and love them well!

D.    Don’t live in isolation!  God made you for community!  Surround yourself with friends who know you well enough to see when you are sinning and care enough to confront. 

E.     Keep a close watch on your heart.  Ask the question that if that persons spouse had been present would you have acted any differently.

F.     Your best friends should not be someone of the opposite sex. Though a relationship may be platonic, it doesn't mean it is good or healthy.   Remember affairs of the heart can be just as deadly as adultery!

G.    Don’t confide the struggles in your marriage with a person of the opposite sex.

H.    Don’t spend long periods of time alone with a member of the opposite sex.  That includes riding in a car, a meal, coffee, exercising. 

I.       Be careful with physical touch.  I grew up a “hugger” but learned to be very cautious with that as it can often mis-communicate. 

Preaching on Sex

Christian community is to be an alternate society in which sex, money, and power are used in life-giving ways that differ sharply from the practices of the broader culture. This article addresses sex in the context of the gospel and Christian community.

(Tim Kellor)

For most of my preaching career I have used the New International Version (NIV) as it was a decent translation and the most commonly used.  At one point, I had a man approach me after a morning service encouraging me not to use the NIV as it could cause confusion in his family who all carried the King James Version.  As you know there are many reasons people chose to use that version.  Some are actually convinced it is the most accurate, others grew up on and it is familiar, others because it was used by the Apostle Paul!  Well, I have actually haven’t met anyone who actually believes that, however this man’s reply surprised me!  He did not like the NIV because it used the word “sex” and “sexual relations.”   And yes, feel free to do a KJV word search, and you will find he was correct, it doesn’t use either!   He had a daughter who was approximately age 9, who he did not want exposed to sex and therefore would not use a version of the Bible that used it.

Several years prior to that while serving as a youth pastor, I was confronted in the parking by a parent for teaching about sex to a middle school audience.  Complete with a pointed finger in my face I was told that church was not the place to talk about sex and the she would discuss it with her daughter “when the time came.”   Please understand that this was not a “bird’s and bee’s” anatomy discussion, but simply an application of Scripture.  Also, know that this young lady attended a public middle school where sex was a common conversation and practice. 

Sadly these accounts typify what is often practiced in the church.  Anything to do with sex is avoided, implied or out and out condemned… especially in a sermon!  However we live in an overly sexualized culture. 

Before moving to some suggestions about preaching on sex, it is very important that a sermon or even a series on the topic not be all that a church offers.  It is crucial that there are several opportunities for people of all ages to learn how God views sex in a setting where they can ask questions and discuss their questions in a safe and confidential environment. 

Here are some thoughts: 

• This should not be an occasional thematic topic, but one that is a regular point of application as it is a primary idol of the heart which most constantly struggle with.

• As it should be with all of your preaching, be sure to cover the sermon or sermon series in prayer. 

• Do your homework and don’t make silly and incorrect statements about sex and our culture. 

• Let the Scripture be the authority.  Do solid exegetical work and preach from the text.  Don’t miss use a text as a springboard for a general sex talk.  Let Scripture speak through the power of the Holy Spirit.

• Because the topic may be objectionable for parents, be sure to let your congregation know well in advance so they know what is coming.  Be sure to catch guests who have young children. Provide an age appropriate alternative that Sunday during the sermon. At the same time help parents understand that most children have heard more bad information about the topic then they think they have.

• Be sensitive to who may be in the congregation.

a)     The Young – There will be students who either know very little or have been exposed to it in the playground in through pornography.

b)     The Struggling Married – Many couples are struggling in their sex lives.  This could be the result of an overly sexualized culture, pornography, conflict, abuse or physical problems.

c)     The Single - Many singles in your congregation are probably already sexually active at some level, don’t be naïve.  Others are guarding their purity and struggling deeply with singleness.  You need to acknowledge and be sensitive to both.

d)     The Seniors - Older generations often don’t talk about it and could be embarrassed and believe it should not be addressed in a sermon.  On the other hand, please understand that though sex was not something discussed, one of the fastest growing demographics for STD’s are retiree’s.

e)     The Victims - In every congregation there will be victims of sexual abuse.  Never forget that!  Be sensitive to the consequences that they live with as a result of this.

f)      The Confused – we have to face the fact that there are people in your congregation that are gender confused.  Don’t add to their confusion or drive them toward a wrong conclusion in regard to the sexual orientation.    

• Preach with conviction and passion.   

• Use the “S” word and speak directly to the subject.  There is no need to be suggestive or make assumptions that people know are trying to communicate.

• Speak with dignity.  There is no need in a sermon to be crass, or overly descriptive.

• Help people, don’t condemn them.  Believe it or not people are genuinely confused on the topic. Treat sex as idol.  Remember an idol or “counterfeit god” is anything that we depend on rather than God.

• Here is a good summary on perspectives on sex that is helpful to keep in mind, ‘The secularist/pragmatist sees sex as merely biological and physical appetite. The moralist tends to see sex as dirty or at least a dangerous impulse that leads constantly to sin. But the gospel shows us that sexuality is to reflect the self-giving of Christ. He gave himself completely without conditions. So we are not to seek intimacy but hold back control of our lives. If we give ourselves sexually we are to give ourselves legally, socially, personally--utterly. Sex is only to happen in a totally committed, permanent relationship of marriage” (Tim Keller, The Centrality of the Gospel)

• Another good resource from Kim Keller available for free online is an article entitled The Gospel and Sex.