10 Acres, 5 Cows, and 150 White Minorcas

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the impact that Ben Haden had on my life.  Another important pastor in my life was mom's father Rev. R.J. Zehr.  I doubt any of you have heard of him, and if he were still with us, he and I would probably have some interesting theological discussions . . . nevertheless he is one of my spiritual heroes!

Much of what I have come to appreciate about him came long after his death.  Oh don't get me wrong, he was a fun grandpa!  My deeper appreciation came after God called me to the life of a pastor. Grandpa Zehr was the son of Mennonite Pastor who migrated to central Illinois from Germany in the mid-nineteenth century.  He only had one year of formal training at Moody Bible Institute before beginning his pastoral ministry.  I believe East White Oak Mennonite Church, was his second and only church he served.  He and the church left the Mennonite denomination in the 1930s, and became East White Oak Bible Church.  He was there, and the church still growing when the Lord took him home in 1971.  

The article below which was published sometime in the late 1920's really needs no commentary.  Nevertheless, I am struck by his passion for ministry, and despite it being a large church for a rural setting, a modest or shall we say meager salary.  


Building A Healthy Team

The latest shenanigans on the Miami Dolphins are another reminder that talent alone does not make a winning team.  A single player acting out in self-absorbed verbal abuse hurts the entire team.  Several years ago we saw number one draft choice, professing Christian, Dwight Howard disrupt the Orlando Magic.   History reminds us time and time again, whether it is a sports team, a business or a church, talent alone does not make a successful team. 

Because healthy teams are essential to effective ministry in the church, it is crucial to take the time to build or re-build your staff or ministry teams.  Before you start to build a team, it is important to understand possible reason for team ineffectiveness.  An excellent resource on this top is Patrick Lencioni’s The Five Dysfunctions of a Team.  

Below is a chart that lays out the dysfunctions which build upon each other.



Absence of Trust: For a team to be healthy and effective there must be complete honesty and vulnerability.   Each team member must be open about their weaknesses and inform others when they make a mistake.   Each team member must truly “get” the Gospel and not seek to find value and worth through accomplishments.   The Gospel creates a community of grace, where the focus is Christ, not any individual team member.

Fear of Conflict:  If a team does not trust and respect each other, a team will not openly engage each other.  Lencioni writes, “Teams that lack trust are incapable of engaging in unfiltered and passionate debate of ideas” (188).  If these types of debates and discussion do not go on there is the potential of missing important information.  Moralism can promote artificial harmony as it values external and superficial love.  The Gospel allows us to engage and be passionate because it is not about us, but the Kingdom!

Lack of Commitment: If the team is not rooted in the Gospel, resulting in a lack of trust, and no room for passionate debate, chances are, some team members will disengage and not fully “buy-in” to the decisions that are being made.

Avoidance of Accountability: “Without committing to a clear plan of action, even the most focused and driven people often hesitate to call their peers on actions that seam counterproductive to the good of the team” (189).

Inattention to Results:  When you don’t hold each other accountable, the team is no longer attentive to results.  Inattention to results “occurs when team members put their individual needs (such as ego, career development, or recognition) or even the needs of division about the collective goals of the team” (189).

How then do you build or re-build a healthy team?  Here are a couple suggestions:

1.    Cover the entire process in prayer asking that God would show you the right people for the team.

2.    Build the team around a purpose or mission.  Be concise on what you want the team to do, and recruit for that task.  Don’t simply look for volunteers, or have series of guilt laden appeals, be selective.  

3.    Once you have recruited the team you need to train them.  Don’t start the work until they are clear on their mission, as well as how to work as a team.  Don’t just assume they know how to work together.
a.   Remind them on how the Gospel is played out in community. This is essential for an environment of trust.
b.   Do a brief personality profile to help the team understand how people naturally interact with each other.  There are plenty of sources on line to do a quick Myers/Briggs or DISC test. 
c.   Walk through the dysfunctions that we just reviewed so they know in advance some ways the team can be ineffective.  


4.     If you are not the leader, make sure there is one.  The leader’s role is to make sure the meeting is planned and operates properly.  The leader keeps the team from moving into dysfunction.  

"Be Still"

With only 26 days to go in this hurricane season,  and it looks like we have been spared for this round!  In fact it has been an unusually quiet season . . .  and you won’t find any of us Floridians complaining about that! Yet it was just a year ago that the northeast was hit by hurricane Sandy.  While watching recent news coverage on Sandy’s first anniversary I was struck by the power of the storm and the extent of the damage she inflicted.  There are still neighborhoods trying to recover!  I can’t imagine how residents felt as the storm hammered their communities around them, many as they sat trapped in their homes! Can you imagine that feeling? There was little they could do but wait, hope and pray. They had absolutely no control of that hurricane or the destruction it would cause. 

Most of you are probably feeling a level of loss of control in your lives.  It may come from a financial problems, broken relationships, illness, loss of job….  Is there anything that you can do?  Yes, there is!  "Be still!" 

How is it that we can "be still" when life seems out of control?  We can be still because there is never a micro-second in time that our heavenly Father is not totally in control of every aspect of our lives.  We can "be still" because though it may seem that our lives are out of control, they are never out of His control. 

Yet to most of us theologian types, who cognitively understand the doctrine of the sovereignty of God, don't debater whether He is in control, but rather struggle with the fact that we are not in control.  We love to be in control!  We want life to go the way that we want it.  Thus when the storms of life come our way, we get upset because we lose control and we get upset at God because He let it happen.  As a result we are not only stressed out over the loss of control, but we are mad at God too!  There is definitely no stillness at that point!

Thus when the hurricanes of life hit and life goes out of control, take the time to confess your own personal control problem and then rest in the fact that you are a child of the Sovereign God who works all circumstances for your good!  Does it feel like your life is sliding out of control?  Take a few minutes, grab your Bible and meditate on Romans 8 and Psalm 34.  Then spend some time in worship by singing the great old hymn "Be Still My Soul."   


 Be still my soul:  the Lord is on they side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul: thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways lead to a joyful end.

Be still my soul:  thy God doth undertake.
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last. 

Be still my soul:  the waves and wind still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still my soul:  the hour is hasting on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, loves purest joys restored.
Be still my soul:  when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet again!

Ben Beat Me Home!

 I learned today that an old friend beat me home!  Ben Haden, long time pastor of First Presbyterian Church in Chattanooga was taken home to glory after 88 years in his "earthly tent."

I got to know Ben while serving as the youth pastor at Hixson Presbyterian Church which many years earlier had been planted through an effort of First Presbyterian. As is my pattern, I was sitting in the back row at a Tennessee Valley Presbytery meeting sometime in the late 80's.   On this particular occasion Ben came and sat next to me.  In the middle of some sort of deliberation, Ben got up and waved for me to follow him out the back door.  Those of you who knew Ben understand why I did!  We found a classroom and sat down.  He looked at me in the eye and said, "Tell me about yourself young man."  From that day on we were friends!

I learned a lot about life in the church from Ben, stuff they never teach you in seminary.  He was a unique guy who called it for what it was.  In my many visits with him - often at the Burger King at the foot of Signal Mountain. . .  plain whopper special ordered so it was hot - he mentored me.  When I moved away he gave me his direct line and always took my call.  I hadn't called him for well over a year, but I already miss him.

There are three distinct ways that Ben left a mark on my life.  First, it was Ben who convinced me to be a church planter.   Come to think about it, I am not sure he gave me a choice!  I think he just told me to do it! Second, Ben had a passion for the lost!  He was utterly convinced that the Gospel of Jesus Christ really does change lives!  I will never forget how excited he was when he realized the potential audience on the web!  Third, Ben challenged me to be a faithful preacher, and not compromise for anything.  He gave me homiletical insights that I have yet to find in a book.

I pray that God will grant me the privilege to invest in younger men like he invested in mine!

But I Give Myself to Prayer



1 Be not silent, O God of my praise! 
2 For wicked and deceitful mouths are opened against me, 
       speaking against me with lying tongues. 
3 They encircle me with words of hate, 
        and attack me without cause.
4 In return for my love they accuse me, 
        but I give myself to prayer. 
5 So they reward me evil for good, 
        and hatred for my love. 


This morning in my time in the Word, this phrase caught my attention, "but I am a man of prayer" (Psalm 109:4b - NIV, yes, I still use my well worn NIV. . .).  We can only speculate as to what was going on in David's life when he wrote this, nevertheless we get enough from the Psalm itself to see that David was feeling attacked by those around him, and isolated from God!

There were times in his life where David had to fear for his life as his enemies wanted him dead.  This however does not seem to be the case as this was not what we may call "stick & stone" attack, but a verbal one.  I love how David describes this verbal attacks.  They come from   "wicked and deceitful mouths" that "are opened against" him. Whatever is being said is not true as they are "speaking against me with lying tongues."   

Verse 3 reminds me of how hyenas attack their prey.  They are a venerable foe as they work in packs chasing and taunting their victim until surrounded. Once the prey is encircled there is little hope of survival! David is "encircle{d} with words of hate" as one by one these "hyenas"  verbally attacked him with "without cause." 

Sadly, it doesn't seem like these are random "thug hyenas," due to David being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but people he had befriended and loved.  The NIV puts it this way, "in return for my friendship they accuse me, they repay evil for good and hatred for my friendship."

Encircled and under attack David gives us words of Grace that we all need to hear.  Rather than resorting to panicky vengeful attack, there is a quiet rest in the only One who is trustworthy, truly gracious, and can actually solve the problem.  The contrast from surrounding snarling verbal attackers to a rest in the Father through prayer is significant!  

My point is simple.  In life you will be attacked by friends and family.  You will feel isolated and misunderstood!   You will be encircled by "thug hyenas" who will attack, accuse and speak lies.  It will feel like God is silent!  Potentially even more threatening are the thoughts that condemn us.  Yes, we condemn ourselves when Satan convinces us that his lies are true!

Please, please take up the precious gift of prayer, and boldly approach the throne of grace.  It is there you will find grace and a peace that is beyond human understanding!   And more then likely your Father will send the thug hyenas off howling in fear!

I don't what you are facing... but will you give yourself the gift of prayer right now?
   


The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. 2001 (Ps 109:1–5). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.

Creating a Leadership Culture

Most young pastors and church planters do not fully appreciate the importance of creating a leadership culture within the local church.  Nevertheless a church’s vitality is directly tied to its leadership.  Creating a leadership culture includes providing an environment where leaders can lead and having pathways of natural leadership development.  Good leaders do not happen.  They are trained and then given freedom to lead within in their gifts and abilities.  

In Adrian Gostick and Chester Elton’s New York Times Bestseller book entitled All In: How the Best Managers Create a culture of Belief and Drive Big Results, they present what they call the E+E+E to describe a successful business culture.  Though this book was written primarily for a business context, it offers helpful insight in how to create a healthy leadership culture in a church.  The three E’s the authors describe are:

“Engaged: Attachment to the company and willingness to give extra effort.”  The leaders understand how their work benefits the church and have a clear understanding of what they are responsible and accountable for.  They can see the value of their contributions to the church’s larger mission.
“Enabled:  A work environment that supports productivity and performance.”  The pastor supports the leaders with the right tools, and training.   The pastor invests significant time into coaching his leaders so they do not feel isolated in their work.
“Energized. Individual physical, social and emotional well-being at work.”  The leaders have feelings of well-being and high levels of energy because the pastor helps them see fruit of their work and helps them balance ministry, home life, and recognizing their individual contributions.  (pp. 50, 51, 62)

Unfortunately, most pastors are not actively involved in their leader’s lives resulting in churches full of disengaged, confused and tired leaders!  Most pastors are not engaged in their leader’s lives because they have not developed pathways of relational leadership development.  Many pastors mistake the theological training that is commonly done for elders and deacons as they only leadership training necessary.  Though this is an important step in the officer training process, it in itself is not leadership training.

Early in my ministry a seasoned leader advised me to invest heavily in the young men in my ministry, and since that time I have dedicated a substantial amount of time and energy on spending time with men from one-on-one, to groups of three to twelve.  My primary goal was not to train them through any specific curriculum, but to build relationships where I could better understand where they were spiritually and then root them deep in the Gospel. 

These groups of men became the “farming system” for the leaders in my church as well many other churches. As I grew to know their strengths, weaknesses and spiritual struggles, I was able to give them the tools they needed to grow and to be their encourager or coach along the way.  I was also able to identify early in the process not only where they could lead, but if they should lead.

Author’s Gostick and Elton point out the 10/20/70 learning principle that says:
  •  10 percent of all learning happens during formal training, or event.
  •  20 percent of all learning happens from working directly with your leader.
  • 70 percent of learning occurs during real-life on-the-job experiences or individual cultural encounters (p. 215-16).
In order to build a leadership culture in a church, you must be a leader who operates in the 70 percent “real-life” category.  And in order to encourage and maintain a leadership culture you must live in the 70 percent and make sure an E+E+E leadership culture exists in your church. In a church setting it should look something like this:

Engaged: Your leaders feel an attachment and ownership to the church and are eager and willing to give extra effort.  They understand how their ministry fits the overall mission and vision of the church.  They “get” how their ministry is necessary both in the church and for the Kingdom.
Enabled:  Your leaders feel the freedom to do their task and are not micromanaged.  They know you trust them.  You have provided an environment that supports productivity and performance. You are supporting them both personally and with the right tools, and training.   You are coaching these leaders so they do not feel isolated in their work.
Energized: Despite of what is going on in the life of the church your leaders do not feel hopeless, but are energized. The leaders have deep understanding of the Gospel and how it applies personally as well as to their ministry.  They are also energized because you did not let them burn out by overextending themselves and not keeping their commitments in balance.

I may have mentioned this in an earlier blog, nevertheless though it may sound ridiculous, you cannot have a healthy team unless the team not only has a game plan, but the know what game they are supposed to be playing. 
  • Teams operate at their best when there is a clear vision that each member of the team fully embraces.
  • Teams reach their full potential when each team member is in a position that fits them and they know what they are supposed to do and are empowered to do it.
  • Teams have longevity, when they enjoy each other as well as the game – They have fun! Remember the 3 P’s – PRAY together, PLAY together, PLAN together.


In summary, a healthy leadership culture is one where leaders are constantly being identified, trained, engaged, enabled and energized.  A leadership culture does not simply happen.  It must be exemplified and maintained by the pastor. 

Hiring and Firing in the Church

The process of hiring and firing in a church context is not as simple as some may assume.  In fact I would argue that hiring and firing in a church is far more complex and carries great risk. First, the church faces many of the same legal risks as any other businesses, but adds the challenge of volunteer workers.  Second, the church is primarily a volunteer organization where those who work get no compensation.  Both leaders and volunteers often do not see this as an employer/employee relationship.  Third, the church faces the unique risk that a bad hire or a messy fire can have a significant impact on the congregation; potentially causing members or attenders of that church to leave or be disgruntled.

Let’s take a look at this one at a time.

  I.          Legal Concerns: Most churches are not aware of the potential legal quagmire they face both in hiring and firing an employee.  Most states recognize the “Employment at will” doctrine which allows an employer to both hire and fire at any time for any reason without notice.  Despite that protection it offers, church leaders must be cautious as it could easily fall apart in court.  Firing or terminating an employee is risky!  Here are couple things to keep in mind:
A.    Hiring:
1.     Have a handbook that clearly lays out the hiring and firing process. Be sure that employees know if you live in an “at will” state.
2.     Have clear Job Descriptions.
3.     Have a clear chain of command.
4.     Hire carefully.  Be very thorough in your search process.  Not only should there be a background check, but for key ministry positions, don’t just trust the references they give, dig around.  A helpful website is: http://protectmyministry.com/
5.     Never ignore your “gut” or intuition.  If you don’t feel right about it, don’t hire.
6.  Ask them what they are reacting against.  It could be political, theological, or a long list of things.  For example if it is politics, this could limit their ability for effective ministry for those who may differ in political convictions. 
7.   Remember character REALLY matters!   Warren Buffet is credited for saying that three things matter in hiring, Character, Intelligence and Passion/Energy.  The second two can be worked on. 
B.    Firing:
1.     Have regular evaluations where any concerns are clearly laid out.  Put everything in writing! Both the employer and the employee should sign it. Documentation is a must! 
2.     Communicate, communicate, and communicate!  I can’t tell you how many pastors don’t talk with their staff and let frustration build.  If there are concerns address it immediately!
3.     Never forget about the age, gender, and overtime laws.   
4.     Follow Denominational procedures especially in cases of discipline.
5.     When it becomes necessary to fire:
a.      Pray.
b.     Don’t act impulsively! Bring the elders into the process.  This will make sure it is not simply a personal thing. If has become personal, let others handle it and be willing to admit your sin!
c.      Be humble and gracious. 
d.     Follow procedures.
e.      Make and keep documentation.
f.      Keep email correspondence to a bare minimum. 
6.     Below the right is a chart laying out some important laws to remember. 



                    II.          Volunteers are employees:  Most pastors do not see the volunteer church workers as employees. Nevertheless, in most cases the courts do.  Therefore it is very important to handle the hiring and firing of volunteer judiciously.  Beyond what I have mentioned above, here are some addition things to keep in mind.
A.    Having volunteer ministry (job) descriptions.
B.    Have one year term limits to any volunteer job.  This not only keeps people from burnout, but is an easy way to let someone go.
C.    Don’t just let anyone who wants to help serve. 
D.    Do Background checks.
E.     Make sure the accountability structure is actually working and communication is taking place.

                    III.          Collateral damage:  A unique challenge that churches face is that both hiring and firing has an effect on the entire congregation.  If you hire the right person for the job, it can be a great benefit to the overall life of the church.  If you make a bad hire, it will effect more than just the ministry area that the person was hired for.  It can have an effect on the entire church.  The smaller the church, the greater the risk.
A.    When you hire, it is not only important to follow all the above procedures, but to make sure that person is “a fit” for the ministry position, but for the congregation. 
B.    If proper procedures are not taken and adequate communication not done, there can be tension in the congregation before the person even starts. 
C.    Remember that regardless of how poorly someone has done their job, or how scandalous their behavior may have been, they have relationships with people in the church that cannot be ignored.  This means that much of the process will be talked about, and there will be those who will not agree with the decision and possibly leave the church.
D.    If church discipline is the reason for dismissal, be sure to handle it by procedure and communicate clearly to the congregation.
E.     Remember that every hire and fire also effects a spouse and family if they have them.  Don’t ignore that!  

Please understand that this is just a brief overview of the challenges of hiring and firing in a church context.  I highly encourage you to take the time to research this further before you have to hire your first staff person.  My prayer is that God will bless you with many good hires, and very few “fires.”   I also encourage you to develop a pattern of praying for the staff in your church.  Pray for blessing and protection!  You will be amazed at what God does! 

Be proactive and build relationships with your staff.  Make yourself available so that if they are having problems or struggling with sin, they will come to you.  Pray that God will give you eyes to see, and bring to your attentions any concerns before they become a problem.

Lastly, learn from your mistakes!  Every hire will not be perfect, and every fire will not go well, but learn from each one so that you don’t repeat the cycle!  I am always saddened when I hear of pastors who habitually make bad hires and then suddenly fire a staff member.




[1] Michael Zigarelli, Ph.D. ,Regent Business Review 2005

My Heart Is Not Proud O Lord?


                A Song of Ascents. Of David

      1       O LORD, my heart is not lifted up; 
                    my eyes are not raised too high; 
               I do not occupy myself with things 
                   too great and too marvelous for me. 
     2       But I have calmed and quieted my soul, 
                  like a weaned child with its mother; 
                  like a weaned child is my soul within me. 
     3       O Israel, hope in the LORD 
                   from this time forth and forevermore. 
                                                                                       (Psalm 131)

As I was spending time reading Scripture this morning, Psalm 131 seemed to jump off right the page and into my heart.  I don't have time to share all that God has been doing in my life over the last few years, however I can say that He has been stretching me in ways that I haven't particularly cared for! This has resulted in more sleepless nights than I can count, less hair on my already thinning brow, and almost entirely white facial hair!

Some of my fondest memories are of my infant son sprawled belly down on my chest fast asleep as I lay on the couch.  Or that of seeing him sleeping contentedly, tummy full, in my wife's loving embrace. This is the picture the psalmist gives us what a "calmed and quieted" soul looks like.  I get that when I reflect on my son or see another sleeping infant in their mothers arms.  Safe, warm, fed!

I can't tell how much I have longed for a "calmed and quieted soul" rather than a racing mind, an agitated spirit, and an endless pursuit of what externally looks so spiritual.  Sadly, I became so intense and focused that my son and wife often lived in a state of apprehension, sensing this restlessness as anger toward them!

It would be easy for me to blame this stress on people and organizations, but God has graciously been showing me a deadly cancer that has been slowly eating away at my soul.  It hasn't been until recently that I have come to see that most of my stress and restlessness has been caused by a sick narcissism that has slowly been spreading in my heart.

There is no way that I can honestly proclaim that "my heart is not proud" (NIV).  In fact it is so full of pride or "lifted up"  that my mind is constantly occupied "with things too great and too marvelous for me."  I want people to know my name.  I want to be asked to speak at national conferences.  I want to be an "expert."  Doesn't anyone know how much I have to offer?

Fellow pastors and leaders, you know exactly what I am talking about.  You get it, because you struggle with the same cancer.  None of us wants to die in obscurity and we are all desperately blogging and tweeting ourselves into a restless frenzy, desperately hoping someone will notice us!  And we are all tired, discouraged and living in juxtaposition to the Gospel we are all so intensely trying to communicate!

Imagine with me seeing ourselves as preachers and leaders who truly live with a "calmed and quieted soul."   Can you imagine the impact that would have on our communication of the Gospel!  Wow, we would actually be living out what we preach!  Imagine that!  But to get to the "calmed and quieted soul" we must get past the "my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high;  I do not occupy myself  for me" (v.1), to a deep and humble resting in the Gospel, a "hope in the LORD  from this time forth and forevermore" (v.3).

This is a Blog and not a sermon, so let me try and bring this to a close.  Will you stop and take a long hard look at your life and ministry?  Is there a hidden narcissism in what drives you?  If so, will  you make it goal in your life to daily repent of that sin and passionately chase after the God of all Grace, seeking to love Him with all that you are?  Will you strive to love your neighbor - your congregation that sits right in front of you each week - more than chasing after fame "eyes raised too high"  and occupying yourself "with things too great and too marvelous?"  Will you ask the LORD to graciously "Restore the joy of your salvation, and uphold [you]with a willing spirit" (Psalm 51:12)  As that deep Gospel transformation takes place, "Then [you ]will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will return to You" (51:13). And we all want that!

You see it is only as we live in the truth of the Gospel that we can truly experience the weaned child like experience of contentment and rest.  The LORD of all creation promises it for those who look for it in Him.  And that is great news!


The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. 2001 (Ps 51:12–13). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.ll end in a restless ministry

The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. 2001 (Ps 131:1–3). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.

Conflict Happens!

It is safe to say that where two or there are gathered, one or two will disagree and bring others into their conflict.  Though conflict is reality, it does not need to be destructive and can actually be a source of growth for both the individuals involved and the church or ministry. Unfortunately, most of us have not been trained to manage conflict, and naturally tend to avoid it or get involved in an unhealthy manor.  Conflict gets even more intense when legal action is threatened.   Therefore if you know that conflict IS going to happen, it is essential that you:

 I.          Pray
A.    Pray for peace.
B.    Pray for eyes to see conflict before it escalates.
C.    Pray for wisdom/Discernment on how to handle each instance of conflict.
D.    Pray for the Gospel to penetrate deeply into your heart.

II.          Be an Attentive. 
A.    Pay attention to the people in your church so that you can spot the problem early.
B.    Be Proactive - Pursue Peace.
C.    Practice Matthew 18.

III.          Understand Emotional Triangulation
A.    Triangulation is most commonly used to express a situation where one individual will not communicate directly with another, but will communicate with a third person not directly involved in the conflict, leading that person to become part of the triangle.  It can also be used as a label for a form of “splitting” where one person plays the third person against one that he or she is upset about. Thus playing the two people against each other.
B.    Emotional triangles are the “molecules” of an emotional system. When the atmosphere is calm and stable you often do not see them. 
C.    A two-person relationship is notoriously unstable.  All it takes is one person to feel uncomfortable and things get shaky.
 




                                                          

               


D.   To manage the increased anxiety, or of the two can bring a third person into a Triangle. To manage the increased anxiety, one of the two can bring in a third person into a triangle.


E.     If you forget triangles exist it can be deadly.

IV.          Know Thy Self!
A.    Emotional Intelligence: “The ability to manage one’s emotions proactively and respond to the emotions of others appropriately.”

Free to
Self and Others
2
Blind to Self,
Seen by Others
3
Free to Self,
Hidden from Others
4
Unknown to Self
and Others



1
Free to
Self and Others
2
Blind to Self,
Seen by Others
3
Free to Self,
Hidden from Others
4
Unknown to Self
and Others


1
Free to
Self and Others
2
Blind to Self,
Seen by Others
3
Free to Self,
Hidden from Others
4
Unknown to Self
and Others

B.    Is the Gospel real to you?
1.     “All problems, personal or social come from a failure to use the gospel in a radical way, to get “in line with the truth of the gospel” (Gal.2:14). All pathologies in the church and all its ineffectiveness comes from a failure to use the gospel in a radical way. We believe that if the gospel is expounded and applied in its fullness in any church, that church will look very unique. People will find both moral conviction yet compassion and flexibility” (Tim Keller).
2.     Do you see your own sin and understand how it impacts those around you?
3.     Do you need to be right or to win? 
4.     Is your tendency “Fight” or “Flight”?  Either extreme is self protecting and dangerous.
a.      “Fight” or “attack” can be confrontational or passive.
b.     “Flight” or “escape” can be denial or an empty apology.
5.      The correct view of who we are in Christ enables us to be shepherds of peace. 
C.    Be aware of Your Thinking Process.
1.     All or nothing: you see things in black and white categories.
2.     Overgeneralization: you see a single negative event as a never ending pattern of defeat.
3.     Mental filter: you pick a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively.
4.     Disqualifying the positive: you reject or dismiss the positive experience.
5.     Jumping to conclusions: you make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that support it.
6.     Mind reading: you make assumptions about someone else’s thoughts without bothering to find out what the other is thinking.
7.     Fortune telling: you anticipate that things will actually turn out bad.
8.     Magnification or Minimization: you exaggerate the importance of negative things or dismiss the important.
9.     Emotional reasoning: you assume that your emotions necessarily reflect how things really are (I feel it therefore it is true).
10.  Labeling and Mislabeling: instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself.  If someone else rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him.
11.  Personalization: you take things personally.  You see yourself as the cause of things that in fact you are not primarily responsible for.  You interpret things personally that may have nothing to do with you.. [i]

V.          Bring the Party’s Together
A.    Always begin with Prayer.
B.    Remain Calm and Hopeful.
C.    Let others do the talking.
D.    Honestly consider the deferring perspectives.
E.     Manage the conversation.  Don’t let it get abusive.
F.     Apply the Gospel.
VI.          Suggested Resources
A.    Books to Read:
1     Antagonists in the Church - Kenneth C. Haugk, Ph.D.
2.   Well-Intentioned Dragons: Ministering to Problem People in the Church – Marshall Shelley 
 3   When Sheep Attack – Dennis R. Maynard
B.    Organizations to Contact:
1.     PeaceMaker Ministries (www.peacemaker.net).
2.     Pastor Serve (www.pasterserve.net).






[1] - Joharri’s Window (originated by Joe Luft and Harry Ingram).



[i] Pete Scazzero Emotionally Healthy Spirituality